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 A turkey farmer was always experimenting
with breeding to
perfect a better turkey. His family
was fond of the leg portion
for dinner and there were never
enough legs for everyone. After
many frustrating attempts, the
farmer was relating the results
of his efforts to his friends at
the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a
turkey that has 6 legs!" They all
asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn
thing!" ~Author Unknown
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"I never go to church," boasted a wandering member. "Perhaps you have noticed that pastor?"
"Yes, I have noticed that," said the pastor.
"Well, the reason I don't go is because there are so many hypocrites there."
"Oh, don't let that keep you away," replied the pastor with a smile. "There's always room for one more."
WHAT DENOMINATION?
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?"
said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran,
and 40 Presbyterian."
A five-year-old boy was sitting down to eat when
his mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom, we
don't have to. We prayed over this last night." His mother had
prepared leftovers from the day before.
HUMOR: HYMNS WHILE YOU ARE ON THE HIGHWAY
45 mph - "God Will Take Care of You"
55 mph - "Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah"
65 mph - "Nearer My God to Thee"
75 mph - "Nearer Still Nearer"
85 mph - "This World Is Not My Home"
95 mph - "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
over 100 mph - "Precious Memories |
For all you mathematicians out there...
What equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations
where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 100%? What equals
100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions. If...
A |
B |
C |
D |
E |
F |
G |
H |
I |
J |
K |
L |
M |
N |
O |
P |
Q |
R |
S |
T |
U |
V |
W |
X |
Y |
Z |
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
11 |
12 |
13 |
14 |
15 |
16 |
17 |
18 |
19 |
20 |
21 |
22 |
23 |
24 |
25 |
26 |
| Then... |
H |
A |
R |
D |
W |
O |
R |
K |
= 98% |
8 + |
1 + |
18 + |
4 + |
23 + |
15 + |
18 + |
11 |
| and... |
K |
N |
O |
W |
L |
E |
D |
G |
E |
= 96% |
11 + |
14 + |
15 + |
23 + |
12 + |
5 + |
4 + |
7 + |
5 |
| but... |
A |
T |
T |
I |
T |
U |
D |
E |
= 100% |
1 + |
20 + |
20 + |
9 + |
20 + |
21 + |
4 + |
5 |
| AND, look how far the love of God will take you! |
L |
O |
V |
E |
O |
F |
G |
O |
D |
= 101% |
12 + |
15 + |
22 + |
5 + |
15 + |
6 + |
7 + |
15 + |
4 |
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Love of God that will put you over the top!
 The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how
he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were
expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to
find out that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought
in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's
a copy of the service," he said impatiently, "but you'll have to think of something
to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service,
the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty;
the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000.00 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100.00 or more, please stand up." At that moment,
the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how
the substitute became the regular organist!
A
father was approached by his  small
son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His
father smiled and replied,
"What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do
know!" "Okay," said his father, "so, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's
easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'."
 The
children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note, and posted on the  apple tray: Take
only ONE. God is watching! Movingfurther alongthe lunch line, at the
other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child
had written a note saying, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
 A
Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy
Father and Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One little boy, who happened to
be the oldest in his family, spoke up and answered "Thou shall not
kill."
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to
see each child's work. As she got to one little girl, who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I am drawing God." The teacher
paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a
beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A little girl was
talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible
for a whale to swallow a human because even thought it was a very large
mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was
swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human. The little girl said. "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The
teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?" to which the little girl replied,
"Then you ask him."
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