ST. PAUL'S HUMOR

Sympathetic Visitor A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!" ~Author Unknown

"I never go to church," boasted a wandering member. "Perhaps you have noticed that pastor?"
"Yes, I have noticed that," said the pastor.
"Well, the reason I don't go is because there are so many hypocrites there."
"Oh, don't let that keep you away," replied the pastor with a smile. "There's always room for one more."

WHAT DENOMINATION?
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."

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A five-year-old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom, we don't have to. We prayed over this last night." His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before.

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HUMOR: HYMNS WHILE YOU ARE ON THE HIGHWAY 45 mph - "God Will Take Care of You" 55 mph - "Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah" 65 mph - "Nearer My God to Thee" 75 mph - "Nearer Still Nearer" 85 mph - "This World Is Not My Home" 95 mph - "Lord, I'm Coming Home" over 100 mph - "Precious Memories

For all you mathematicians out there...
What equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 100%? What equals 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions. If...

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find out that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently, "but you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000.00 more. Any of you who can pledge $100.00 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father, "so, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'."

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is watching! Movingfurther alongthe lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note saying, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One little boy, who happened to be the oldest in his family, spoke up and answered "Thou shall not kill."

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I am drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even thought it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. The little girl said. "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?" to which the little girl replied, "Then you ask him."