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Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably,
because you haven't had four beers.
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-Dave Barry
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~ABSTAINER, n. A weak person
who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer
is one who abstains from everything but abstention . . .
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-Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary, 1906
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Wonderful man! I long to get drunk with
him.
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-Lord Byron about Sir Walter Scott
Diary entry, 5 January 1821
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Drink moderately, for drunkeness neither keeps
a secret, nor observes a promise.
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-Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
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The Americans are a funny lot; they drink
whiskey to keep them warm; then they put some ice in it to keep it cool; they
put some sugar in it to make it sweet; and then they put a slice of lemon in
it to make it sour. Then they say "here's to you" and drink it themselves.
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-B. N. Chakravaty
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He drinks some whiskey drinks, he drinks
some vodka drinks,
He drinks some lager drinks, he drinks some cider drinks.
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times,
He sings the songs that remind him of the best times.
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-Chambawamba
Tubthumper
"Tupthumper"
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If God had intended for us to drink beer, he
would have given us stomachs.
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-David Daye
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The horse and mule live thirty years
And never know of wine and beers.
The goat and sheep at twenty die
Without a taste of scotch or rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is mostly done.
The dog at fifteen cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for noggs and dies at ten.
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive three-score years and ten.
And some of us, though mighty few
Stay pickled 'til we're ninety-two.
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-Charles Duffy
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The man that isn't jolly after drinking
Is just a driveling idiot, to my thinking.
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-Euripides
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What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork to
my lunch?
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-W.C. Fields
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From wine what sudden friendship springs!
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-John Gay
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Drunkenness is not a mere matter of intoxicating
liquors; it goes deeper, far deeper. Drunkenness is the failure of a man to
control his thoughts.
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-David Grayson
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No poems can live long or please that are
written by water-drinkers.
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-Horace
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Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.
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-Eric Idle
"The Philosopher's Song"
[Audio available at
The University of Waterloo]
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I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy
eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
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-Fletcher Knebel
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I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a
week without drinking.
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-Joe E. Lewis
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If you drink like a fish, don't drive.
Swim.
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-Joe E. Lewis
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If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
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-Dean Martin
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One more drink and I'll be under the host.
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-Dorothy Parker
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*What could be bigger than
this? This is beer!
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-Stretch, a character played by Michael
Rapaport in
Kicked In The Head, 1997
Written by Kevin Corrigan and Matthew Harrison, directed by Matthew Harrison
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Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure
the operation of life.
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-George Bernard Shaw
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If you mean whiskey, the
devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence,
dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea,
literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that
evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous
and gracious living into the bottomless pits of degradation, shame, despair,
helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every
fiber of my being.
However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation,
the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good
fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of
contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip
that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty
morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to
forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that
drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars
each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our
blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest
highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then
my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor it.
This is my position, and as always, I refuse to be
compromised on matters of principle.
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-Noah "Soggy" Sweat, Jr.
(cf. ABORTION:Dear Sir)
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A drunk man's tongue is a sober man's mind.
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-Unknown
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Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the
lack of alcohol.
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-Unknown
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Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
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-Unknown
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Draft beer, not people!
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-Unknown
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Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
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-Unknown
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College is like a fountain of knowledge--and
the students are there to drink.
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-Unknown
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I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that
thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
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-Unknown
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